Today will be the 25th night I sneak into your room. All our friends generally leave by 9 and I too am making my customary goodbyes. We all smiled and chatted for a little while longer, all the while I am getting impatient. My head is screaming in silence “Please go to your lives, people”. They don’t know our little secret. Every night after hours of talking, I leave with all of them, wait under the stairs of the second block and rush back to you after they leave. I used to wait for 15 minutes. Now I can’t wait for another second to speak to you, laugh with you, cry with you.
As I stand there I realize tonight is an unusually cold night. Your apartment is heated and now as I stand here in the cold I see small puddles of water frozen solid in the car park. It is an unusually cold, beautiful and cloudless night in the South of France. I looked at my watch 9.17 pm. I jumped up the stairs and in no time I was on the second floor. I always wondered why your door is painted cream while all the other doors are painted brown. I knock and she answers. She says “took you long enough, the coffee is in the kitchen”. She has changed into a black plain tank top and blue floral printed boxers.
She sits far away from me on the bed. It is warm and comfy in the apartment. She switches off the lights and turns on a dim night light and lights a few candles.
Why are you here? Why do you come every night after everyone has left? Why don’t you just leave me alone?
Leave now!!!! I try to speak up but there are no words. All I can hear in my head is “is it over, are we not friends anymore…
Why is it over??? I should leave!” Without saying a word, I get up and walk towards the door. I stop at the cream door. I breathe in deeply, trying capture every second of that moment. I am telling myself “it’s over, leave!”
Without saying a word, I get up and walk towards the door. I stop at the cream door. I breathe in deeply, trying capture every second of that moment. I am telling myself “it’s over, leave!” I leave and close the door behind me. I can’t go back to my apartment. It doesn’t have you in it. It’s empty and monochromatic back there. Nowhere else to go I sit quietly next to your door, making sure you wouldn’t know. I will leave but I just need a few moments. She has no idea what a perfect storm is brewing in my head. Repetitively thinking, “Why am I so lost? She is just a friend. I shouldn’t be so.” I don’t realise she cracked open the door silently, I hear a sweet silent voice calling out “come in”. I look up and silently close the door behind me, and the first thing I say “are you playing with me?” I am angry because I didn’t leave. I am angry because I came back in. I am really angry at myself. I am still near door. I don’t want to go inside. She walks towards the window and stands there looking up.
I hate you, I say, not with love but with anger, an egoistic rage.
Shamelessly I walk ahead and I stand next to her. I look at her face and she is still looking up. I look at for some time, I don’t know how long. I don’t say a word. I am still seething inside, not at her but more at myself.
She looks to me and says isn’t that star beautiful?
I kiss her, I don’t know why?
Still kissing but only closer, I try to stop and say something, mumbling in a muffled voice, I am trying to say, I hate you, I hate me…..