Someone reminded me something yesterday, out of the blue, just like that. For her, it was just a couple of mundane and easy words, but to the right ears, such as mine, it resonated at the right wavelength. She said, “There are consequences to every decision we make in our lives”. Those words are special to me. People, set apart by time and geography, across oceans and years, have told me those very same words. My own personal punishing, extreme and harsh experiences have taught me those exact same words. The meaning, the understanding and the wisdom of those words are chiselled into my brain. And then at that very juncture, I had a moment of pure inception, of pure magic. My thoughts went something like this.
I have always tried to be good and heroic in other people’s hearts and minds, and in all these years never once did I realise that I could keep trying but I will never truly be anyone to anybody. I will keep trying to put on that mask for everybody and keep trying to be a hero for someone else but that will lead me nowhere. Our modern 21st-century lives confound this even further. We perpetually keep trying to portray that “all awesome self-image” and we always try to gain peer acceptance and admiration through our ‘likes’ and ‘shares’. We keep living duplicate lives, online and offline. But when the online and offline lives merge together, we bring that same attention-hungry online selves into our offline lives.
But, here comes the gambit – I am the hero in my story and I don’t need to seek attention from anybody. I don’t need to compare my life with that of anyone. I am the star in my story. I am the king in my world. This life and the story I write is custom designed for me to experience and enjoy. Life is indeed beautiful. My desire to be someone to somebody is thereby fulfilled.
This is my kingly life and though that thought makes me happy but there are several unsettling realities of my life which are sharp and painful. Today, I live the life of a true vagabond. Not some fancy word that makes you sound cool on your Tinder Bio but, a vagabond, a nomad in the true sense. The life of a vagabond is lonely. You are lucky if you have someone during your nomadic days, I am truly happy for you. But for me, for the most part, I am despicably lonely. And maybe I will be a lonely vagabond till the end of my days and, somewhere deep in my heart, I am content with that too.